For Loved Ones
The effects of sexual violence extend far beyond the primary survivor. Friends, family members, and loved ones can be profoundly affected when someone who they care about experiences sexual assault or abuse.
It is important to recognize and address your own reactions to the assault or abuse of a loved one so that you can provide support rather than possibly traumatizing them further. How you react may depend on factors including the nature of the assault, the age of the survivor, and your relationship to them.
You may experience some or all of these feelings:
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Anger (sometimes towards the victim as well as the perpetrator)
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Sleep disturbances
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Guilt or shame
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Fearfulness
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Denial
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Frustration
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Depression
The most important thing that you can do for a survivor is to believe them and remind them that they are not to blame for what happened to them. From there, take cues on how to help them. Ask the survivor what they would like you to do to be supportive. Helping survivors regain their sense of control is important; give them time to decide how they want to proceed legally or otherwise.
There is support available for you, too. SARA's services are available to friends and family members, even if the victim/survivor does not want services. Be patient with your loved one and yourself as you both heal.
Supporting Loved Ones Who Are Survivors
When someone you love discloses that they’ve experienced sexual abuse or assault, it can shake your world. You might not know what to say, what to do, or how to respond. But your presence—your care, compassion, and willingness to listen—can be a powerful part of their healing process. (RAINN.org)
How to T.A.L.K. with Survivors
T: THANK Them for Telling You
Start by acknowledging the courage it takes to speak up.
“Thank you for trusting me with this. That means a lot.”
A: ASK How You Can Help
Don’t assume. Let them lead.
“What would be most helpful for you right now?”
L: LISTEN Without Judgment
Your job is to believe—not to investigate. That means avoiding shock, blame, or “why” questions.
“I’m so sorry this happened. I’m here for you.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I believe you.”
K: KEEP Supporting
Healing is not linear. Survivors may revisit trauma months or years later. Continue checking in, offering kindness, and reminding them you’re still there.
What To Say
These phrases affirm a survivor’s experience and offer reassurance without pressure:
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“I believe you.”
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“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
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“You’re not alone. I care about you, and I’m here to help in any way I can.”
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“Thank you for sharing this with me. That took courage.”
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“If you want to see a doctor or talk to the police, I will go with you if that feels helpful.”
What Not to Say
First, avoid steering the conversation toward your own emotions. If you need space to process what you’ve been told, do this with someone other than the survivor.
Even with good intentions, some responses can be harmful. Avoid saying things like:
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“Are you sure that’s what happened?”
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“Why didn’t you fight back/report it/tell someone sooner?”
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“What were you wearing?”
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“But they seemed like such a nice person.”
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“It happened so long ago; why are you still upset?”
Provide Ongoing Support
Respect their pace. Healing is a non-linear journey—one that can last a lifetime. Don’t rush a survivor to “move on.” Sexual violence can impact a survivor for the rest of their life, with effects surfacing at various times and in many different ways.
Share Resources
You can be a great friend or family member and still not know the best way to help someone who was sexually assaulted. That’s totally normal. If they’re open to it, consider sharing resources for the Sexual Assault Resource Agency or their local support agency.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, heartbroken, angry, or confused when you find out someone you care about has survived sexual violence. Self-care isn’t selfish—it helps you keep showing up in ways that matter. (RAINN.org)
Street Sheet
Resources list for Charlottesville/Albemarle. Includes public meals, homeless services, literacy/GED, veteran support, employment, clothing, discrimination services, emergency food, mental health & substance use support, sexual assault advocacy, transportation, social services, women's & family health, physical health, and more!