Keeping the Conversation Going with your Teen or Pre-Teen

“A lot of parents think they had a conversation, and the kids don’t remember it at all. Parents sometimes say things more vaguely because they are uncomfortable and they think they’ve addressed something, but the kids don’t hear the topic at all.”

-          Dr. Karen Soren  Read more 

As we discussed in the Healthy Relationships section, it is never too soon to have the ‘open door’ initial conversation with your child to demonstrate to him or her that you are an open, knowledgeable, non-judgmental, and authoritative guide and support as s/he has new questions and experiences with dating and sexuality. Studies have shown that a one-time conversation about sex and/or dating is never going to be enough to help a young person find his or her way – teens who know they are supported by their parents, and who are informed and healthy sexually are more likely to have had many in-depth, respectful conversations with their parents about these topics, and have seen that their parents are willing to overcome a little discomfort in order to help guide their teens’ healthy sexual development.

At the end of this page, we offer some tips to help you find ways to keep the conversation going even after you’ve had the initial ‘talk’ that opens the door for your teen to ask more questions. The goal is for you and your child to keep the lines of communication open – that your communication can be positive and empathetic, and that they can also know that you are a guide and authority as they develop, and that you will be a stable ‘home base’ as they test out new experiences and identities.

Remember that sex is not just about biology or physical actions – it includes a wide range of emotions and social cues and consequences. It’s also not just about babies and STI’s – your child needs to be learning how sex and sexuality fits into her or his overall life as a whole.

Some resources to get you started:

Five Questions You Must Ask Your Teen Right Now - an article that can help you bridge the gap between you and your adolescent.

It’s Time to Talk – a brief video that suggests some good ways to handle difficult questions about sex.

Talk to Your Kids about Sex – an interview in which Dr. Judy Goldstein tells us when to talk about what.

Talking to Your Kids about Sex – interview with author Laura Berman, which also explores age-appropriate topics.

No Place Like Home… For Sex Education – website that offers parents resources about family sex education.

How to Talk to your Kids About… – resources for parents about talking to kids about a wide range of topics.

The first step is to have ‘the talk’, as early as possible. A good ‘talk’ is not something that happens only once, but that launches an on-going dialogue between you and your child throughout their adolescence (and beyond!). Let’s call this the ‘open door talk’, since it’s not really the only talk you’re going to have about sex.

Even if you have already begun talking about sexuality when your child was very young, it is important to be very frank with her/him that you are a good person to come to, and that you’re open to talking.

Remember to be clear and specific.

Try to make time to do something fun together, or take time when you’re driving with your child; s/he will be more open to talking if it’s a low-pressure situation.

If your teen is already sexually active, don’t freak out! Encourage healthy choices – not only for physical health and safety, but also for their emotional well-being. Ask questions to find out what your child’s experience has been like – for instance, ask whether it was something s/he really wanted to do, whether there was any pressure, how s/he felt about herself and the relationship afterward, whether they were both respectful about the sexual activity, whether she thinks she would do it again, etc. It’s extremely important not to make assumptions about what your teen is thinking and feeling about the sexual experience, but to really hear what s/he is saying. If you start to make assumptions, your teen will feel that you are judging her/him, and will most likely stop talking about it.

You know your child best, and can determine how best to communicate what is most appropriate for your child at this time.

Your teen may be curious to understand more about sexuality and what it will be like in her or his life. Maybe he has questions about his gender or sexual orientation, but is concerned about how others will react. Maybe she is being pressured by someone she knows to do something she doesn’t want to do, and is worried people will think she’s a slut if they find out. Maybe she posted some pictures she now wishes she had not posted. Maybe he is worried because people are mocking him for being a virgin. Maybe she is interested in an older guy.

By opening up an on-going dialogue with your teen about their social life and sexuality, s/he can see that you are an approachable person who can support her/him as s/he struggles with these huge questions. The most important thing is to bring it up. It gets easier from there!

 

Ideas to keep the conversation going:

Watch TV and movies with them, and ask their opinions. Look out for cultural myths that will hurt them.

Doing something your child is interested in – together

Being quiet when they’re talking – really listening, not jumping to conclusions, but instead guiding their thinking as you ask questions non-judgmentally

Increase your own knowledge about healthy sexuality – the more accurate information you know, the more comfortable you will feel talking to your child about it

Don’t just talk about the biology and physicality of sexuality – the social and emotional experience is just as, if not more important than that! Talk about consent, love, having fun together, having mutual friends, etc. More ideas can be found through our online training for parents on the Social Aspects of Sexuality.

Help your child come up with one other trustworthy adult that s/he can talk to if there is a question s/he is not comfortable asking you. Make sure you stay very close with that adult, and know when they are communicating. If you have any questions about the adult’s appropriateness, do not hesitate to ask questions. But it can be helpful for your child to have an additional adult s/he can talk to.

Every once in a while, if your child isn’t already talking to you about sexual topics, ask an open-ended question (no yes/no answers!) about something in your child’s life, and tell her/him that s/he can talk to you.

You can even admit if you feel slightly uncomfortable about these conversations yourself, but that her/his well-being is more important to you than feeling comfortable. Or bring it up as something you’ve been reading about.

You can even use the quote at the top of this page to ask whether your own child feels like you’ve been open and talked about these things before.

Watch this video discussion of Oprah’s show with Laura Berman, as well as a discussion about what is happening in youth culture right now.

In this video blog, a mother and her teen son discuss parents and teens talking about sex.

Two mothers who work with Planned Parenthood discuss talking to our children about sexuality in this video.

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